Guess what? Chicken butt! No, seriously, there’s a YouTube version of this article.
I love old movies, particularly from the 70’s. It’s just wild to not only witness the fashion, lifestyles, and lingo from this era, but some of the crazy themes filmmakers experimented with that probably wouldn’t go over quite so well today.
Few retro flicks embody this notion like Hanzo the Razor, the main character featured in the balls to the wall trilogy starring iconic Japanese actor Shintaro Katsu. I guess it fits in the samurai and sword fighting category, which is an actual movie genre. Still, I’d be surprised to find anything quite like this.
We’re all familiar with that loose cannon cop who doesn’t play by the rules archetype that has been done to death in American cinema. Well, those wannabe renegades simply do not compare to my mans. If anything, Hanzo is the original loose cannon cop who doesn’t play by the rules … not a single one.
Hanzo the Razor is a police officer in the old time Edo era of Japan. He’s a badass with a fierce passion for protecting the law. A duty he’s sworn to uphold at all costs. As such, he has a habit of clashing with his superiors, verbally abusing his two goofy law enforcement apprentices, and all out thrashing anyone suspected of breaking the law.
There are a few consistent staples across series, which include Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice, Hanzo the Razor: The Snare, and Hanzo the Razor: Who’s Got the Gold?. Of course he’s the same dickhead cop throughout, but his most defining feature is his schlong. Yes, Hanzo has an unusually large penis and everyone knows it. His stooges are even in awe of him because of it, which makes for some weird cock worshiping comedic scenes between the trio.
Hanzo’s piece is arguably his biggest asset, and he conditions it as such. Every morning, he endures a grueling training regimen built around preparing his member for whatever the unpredictable world of law enforcement may have in store. First, he drenches it in spouts of hot water. Then, he literally beats his meat by fiercely whacking it with a wooden stick. Finally, he puts it to the test by sticking it in a barrel of rice. Like, repeatedly. Yep. If you ever wanted to know where the term rice fucker originated, Hanzo is your man.
But there’s more! Hanzo is an equal opportunity asshole, and not even women are sparred from his wrath … well, sort of. You see, if a woman is being all sassy and acting like she can’t be broken, Hanzo will break her ass with the oldest detective trick in the book … rape. Yes! He uses rape as an interrogation tool. In between strokes, he’s demanding that they confess like a modern cop would down at the police station … without the rape … hopefully.
The wild part is that it starts out as your typical, brutal, non-consensual sexual assault. The chicks are crying. Screaming. Yelling “no!”. But as the molestation continues, it morphs into a mind-blowing experience for the female victims suddenly turned complicit cock lovers. So now, Hanzo’s interrogation tactics sound like, “tell the truth, or I’ll stop!” And on cue, the chicks are like, “No! Please don’t stop!”
Sometimes, his two stooges will even aid in the rape by tying the women up and lowering them down on his ‘sword of justice’ by way of this admittedly innovative hoist style hammock. And of course, after the interrogation is over, the women are smitten and tell all as he nurtures them in a soothing bath. I swear, not even my deviant mind can make this kinda shit up.
In Who’s Got the Gold, not even ghosts are sparred from the long third leg of the law. Yes, Hanzo rapes a ghost! Well, turns out she wasn’t really a ghost, but before he knew that, he was ready to give her that rape business. And give her the business he did. SMMFH.
While there is no direct comp for ole Hanzo, I’d say he’s like a mesh of Dirty Harry, Shaft, and his unrelated Japanese counterpart of the same name, Hanzo Hasashi, AKA Scorpion, especially when you see these brutal Mortal Kombat style traps built into his pad, which he uses to shish kebob nefarious home invaders.
Speaking of Shaft, the intro themes across the trilogy are ripped straight out of a Shaft or Dolemite flick. Aside from the 70’s, they totally don’t fit either film, which only serves to make it all that much more hilarious.
Hanzo the Razor. This movie trilogy is bonkers times 100, and anti-PC in every possible fashion. It’s violent and gory in that cheap and cheesy way, but honestly, the fight scenes aren’t even great when compared to your classic kung fu flick. It’s a wild ride, for sure.
If you can handle the wholly insensitive nature of the character and his morally challenged method of policing, I highly recommend you experience this one of a kind trilogy for yourself. And be prepared to have your mind blown to bits!